Two Hundred and Five, The Alaskan is in a Movie

Go watch Up. City of Ember wasn't too bad either. I swear the girl in City of Ember looks a lot like the Alaskan, even if she disagrees! Speaking of, it's her birthday tomorrow, so even if I forget to call her and wish her a happy birthday, I get credit for this entry!...Because I say it is so!...Ok, so maybe not...but at least I put forth this little effort compared to my measly contact with others throughout the year.

One Hundred and Ninety-eight, Son of God

Jesus loves me!

One Hundred and Ninety-seven, One Thousand Words

One Hundred and Ninety-six, Hiss

I stare out a window, old enough to warp the light coming in so the tree in the distance looks spooky in the gloaming.  The house across the way has some vines growing up the sides and I've never seen a light or person there.  Maybe it's abandoned.  People tonight are dyeing eggs and celebrating birthdays and eating good food.  I sit here in the dark listening to the gas from the heater behind me hissing out.  

One Hundred and Sixty-nine, Start of a Queen's Reign

"Go on, get in there!"

As I stepped forward, a fleeting moment of nervousness and panic entered me and left as I strengthened my resolve. I was ready for this. I'd seen it done many times by now and felt comfortable with the process along with the doctors there. I held the little girl's head as it came at me. I moved the head and the shoulders downward until the top shoulder came free. Then, before I could blink, she popped out! I wasn't prepared for the speedy exit she made so I was holding her with both hands as she started crying (the practiced physicians develop a one-handed safe baby-holding technique). The resident put the clamps on the cord and Papa leaned in to cut it with the scissors. Finally I handed the little girl off to the pediatric crew ready to assess her health.

Later on I asked the resident, "Does it ever get old?"

"No."

One Hundred and Sixty-seven, Deliveries and Home

My days this past week included two Cesarean sections, one normal delivery, and one ectopic pregnancy. I've managed to find many babies' heartbeats while they're inside mommy using Doppler devices. I've met a woman who is pregnant for the third time after having lost her first pregnancy because the baby developed no brain and lost the second in a miscarriage. She and the doctor are ecstatic that this third pregnancy is going well and she's getting really close to term with a healthy baby growing inside her.
This past weekend I saw the Engineer and some other friends. I came to realize that while I had become slightly desensitized to bar smoke in the past, my year or so of abstinence from smoke-ridden air caused my throat to heal up and feel Friday night stronger than usual. My grandmother's birthday was on Saturday. And Valiben showed up just before I ate dinner and then drove off to my schooltown. Sunday I managed to get laundry done and I had some good chats with a couple friends.

One Hundred and Fifty, The World Works in Mysterious Ways

My mind has been in a very static phase recently. And then in the past couple days, normal stuff has made it open up and fly. Yesterday I made stained glass "windows" made from crayon shavings, wax paper, and an iron. Today I hung out with one of the Kids who came up for his twenty-first birthday. These days helped me feel alive in a way that studying has been depriving me of feeling. I'm glad for that and for the friends to do that with.

One Hundred and Fourty-nine, A Step Back

I talked with Beatnik's mom today--it is her birthday--and we both mentioned how people can put in effort and in the end, you'll end up where you do and you work with that. It's an important lesson for kids to learn as they grow up. Many children (and adults for that matter), don't see anything beyond their own ideal pathway. This is handy in defining a goal or set of goals but if ever they fall off that path somewhere, everything comes to a screeching halt. Why? They just don't have experience with failing at something so they don't know how to react. People are tripping all the time (no LSD jokes please). It's hard to find a person who's never had to fall off her or his train tracks and have to redefine the pathway. That's an integral part of being a human being. Whether it's a big exam coming up or the health of an unborn baby, there are things in our control and things out of our control. Speaking from experience, I can control the amount of time I spend dedicated to studying for my exam. I cannot control most parts of my testing experience or what my score will be from that day. If I do well, I will be thankful and proceed onwards. If I don't do well and I pass, I'll be thankful for passing, and prepare to work harder down the road.

If I don't pass at all...well, let's just say there are other steps to be taken before I jump off my train tracks.

One Hundred and Fourty-one, Surrounded Yet Alone

Back in October the Engineer celebrated his birthday far away from us all by himself in Texas. In February, the Beatnik looked like he would end up celebrating his birthday in Louisiana far away from us, but the Engineer went up to see him that night. Today I went out in the evening with Roommate, Amish Girl, and another classmate to dinner and dessert.

I didn't realize until today how awesome it was that the Engineer and Beatnik were able to hang out together over something as simple as marking the day one of them popped into this world. I didn't realize until today what it meant to be able to spend part of that day hanging out with each other. I didn't realize until today some part of what it might have felt like to celebrate your birthday on your own. I realized today that we've been celebrating birthdays together since late elementary school. This is the first year where we couldn't all be together for each of our days. I've been receiving endless phone calls today, but only four uplifted me: Valiben, Engineer, Beatnik, and Lord Chaos with the family singing Happy Birthday.

I'm surrounded by great people, but I can't change the fact that I miss the people I've known for most of my life.

One Hundred and Thirty-nine, Obdurate?

For years, I have this little game of hiding my birthday from the world and congratulating those who successfully remembered it. Some part of me was joyful at this minor power play to see who would be as psuedo-OCD as me and keep track of my birthday. Another part of me just didn't care as much. Growing up birthdays were signified by a sumptuous meal and a visit to the temple. Yeah, my American friends would have grandiose parties and eventually I tried emulating them but my heart was never in it.

This year my birthday will be lost in a weekend where I will be helping throw a charity concert and resting from a hectic week and driving home for a couple nights. One of my best friends is in Texas; the other in California. What I want doesn't necessarily factor into what I get. I want second year to be over and a month off before starting third year rotations. Instead, I'll be working hard to pass my classes. I'll be working hard to pass Step 1 of my Board Exams. I want to go to Chris' town where a gathering will commence on the first of the next month. Instead I'll probably be doing some much-needed vegging-out after a heavy week of studying. I want to be fifteen again. Instead I'll be turning twenty-six.

One Hundred and Thirty-two, Pi AM... mmmm...Pie

I had dinner with Woodwind and Lord Chaos (vegetarian Hoagie for me!). We enjoyed catching the second half of "Catch Me If You Can" on ABC. We laughed at the Lighting of the Candles on the Awesome chocolate cake. We enjoyed "The Reaping." And throughout it all, we talked about all sorts of stuff, things that had nothing to do with school or deadlines. Stuff that had to do with the important things, like life.

One Hundred and Ten, Music Movement

"Every now and then I wonder where it went. It used to be all golden and lovely and now it's some sort of decaying mess. No, that's wrong, there's nothing wrong with it, rather I'm the one who screwed it up, went off the deep end. They always said I involved myself too much, I never learned to stay out of things I couldn't comprehend. Yeah, it's true. But you know what? I'd do it again in a heartbeat. Despite the breakdown that inevitably occurs, the vitality the intervening experiences bring rejuvenates me. Make me who I am and I won't deny myself that pleasure even at the expense of the great letdown at the end. Such is my life and I will bear with it."

Sounds like an idealistic martyr, doesn't it? Or a junkie.

I attended my fifth concert ever last night! It was some band I'd never heard of (surprise) and they were pretty good! I watched the people there moving with the music and liked seeing other people who felt the same way I did about the music. I don't have fancy moves to music, just the simple head/body bob and the foot tap. But closing your eyes and making those simple movements to the music is quite relaxing. In reality I guess the compressed sound hits upon my eardrum activating pathways to the brain which simultaneously spits out tons of dopamine if my body moves to the beat. And because of that chemical substance, it's wonderful. Oh yeah, I get high on music, don't you?

In other news, today is the Beatnik's 24th birthday. The Engineer drove up with plans on getting him sloshed tonight. [raises non-alcoholic glass] Here's to you two and good times!

Ninety-eight, Dog Birthday!

I got Crazy Blonde's dog a birthday card. His name is Lucius. He is adorable. You should love him too!

Note: I missed posting on the 6th again!

Four, Twenty-five

At some point, I realized that the world wasn't going to let me be a kid my whole life. Yes, everyone will constantly tell me how much like a child I can be and I can enjoy events from a child's perspective, but demands will be made of me more and more. When I turned twenty-five, I had lived for a quarter of my life and accomplished a lot of things of which I was proud. And really nothing that I could shout out to the world and to get its approval. And somewhere at that point, when medical school finally accepted me, I knew that who I was mattered not to random people compared to who I appeared to be.

Could make a cynic of anyone, right? Instead, I went off and enjoyed the next month of flying kites and eating good food. Truth is, until telepathy is invented (or rediscovered), John Doe won't know a thing about Mary BoBoberts. So that's why I hope that in the field of Neuroscience, some genius will come up with a telepathy-enhancing thing so we really can share who we are with whomever we wish or that they find a section of our vast set of neurons that could grow during childhood to send and receive wireless signals from other humans.

In an odd aside, Blogger's dictionary apparently doesn't recognize "Neuroscience" as a word. Instead, as a correction, it offers up Pseudoscience as the number once choice. Silly Blogger, Trix are for Hindus!

Back to the point. I don't know if I will ever be the person who makes a difference that the world notes. I don't care that whatever achievements I am recognized for also include the name of my medical school. But I do know that I will matter in hundreds of thousands of lives and that their feelings towards me will be more treasured than the feelings of administrators for getting more research funds or schoolchildren 100 years into the future who have to recite my name because it's in some history book for some award.